Is It Possible to Love Someone Else If We Don’t Love Ourselves?

The Question Beneath the Question

“Can I even love someone if I hate myself?” It’s a heavy question—one I’ve heard more than once from men working through complex PTSD, shame, or the spiritual wreckage left by high-control religion or sexual addiction.

This question doesn’t come from ego—it comes from lived experience and, often, deep-seated fear. It’s shaped by years of trying to give love while feeling hollow inside, or performing affection in hopes of receiving it back.

The saying “You can’t love someone until you love yourself” can feel oversimplified. Life and relationships are messier than that. But there’s truth in it—because the quality and safety of the love we offer is shaped by our internal world.

The False Start of Performance-Based Love

When we don’t love ourselves, our love for others often turns into performance—conditional, anxious, and driven by fear. We may:

• Try to earn love instead of giving it freely.
• Confuse being needed with being loved.
• Disappear in relationships, anticipating the other person’s needs while ignoring our own.

Gabor Maté has noted how chronic self-neglect can contribute to physical illness, as a person becomes consumed by caring for others at their own expense.

For many men I work with, this pattern traces back to childhood—where love was conditional, tied to obedience, religious conformity, achievement, or suppressing emotion. Over time, they internalize the belief that their worth comes only from what they give, not who they are.

This cycle breeds exhaustion, resentment, and the false idea that love is a transaction, not a connection. Without an emotional vocabulary, some men report feeling “nothing at all” or mislabeling what they do feel.

What Self-Love Actually Means (and Doesn’t Mean)

Self-love isn’t narcissism. It’s not self-absorption, selfishness, or chasing constant positivity. Though I hear this fear mentioned quite often! Instead it’s about:

• Holding yourself with kindness.
• Believing in your inherent worth.
• Meeting your needs so relationships come from wholeness, not depletion.

Loving yourself means you don’t disappear when someone else enters the room. Your boundaries are clearer—you can say “yes” with joy and “no” without guilt or even shame. It also creates space for mutual care, not one-sided sacrifice.

Self-love builds resilience. When someone misunderstands you, you don’t spiral. When conflict arises, you don’t collapse or lash out. You’re anchored. You know who you are without needing another person to define it.

How Trauma Distorts the Equation

For men with C-PTSD—especially from religious trauma or sexual addiction—the internalized messages are often: I’m not safe. I’m not enough. I’m not worthy of love.

In that mental space, love becomes entangled with shame: If I’m broken, how could my love matter? If I don’t trust myself, how can I trust anyone else?

Therapy offers a way to rewrite these scripts. We explore painful messages without judgment and build a relational foundation rooted in compassion, not critique. Over time, men learn to be emotionally safe with themselves—creating the safety needed to connect deeply with others.

Love from a Healed Self

When you begin to love yourself, your capacity for authentic love expands. You no longer need to earn your place in someone’s life. You’re not performing—you’re present. You’re not rescuing—you’re relating.

You love because it’s part of who you are—not because you fear who you’d be without it. You can receive love without suspicion and offer it without control. That kind of love builds trust, fosters peace, and heals.

Final Thoughts and Invitation

If you’re wrestling with these questions, you’re not alone. Healing isn’t linear, but it is possible. Therapy won’t hand you a “right” way to love—it will help you build love from the inside out.

You already have the capacity. Healing just gives it room to grow. I want to offer you an invitation, if you feel ready to approach this question personally, I'd love to hear from you!

Healing isn’t linear—but you don’t have to do it alone. Let’s take the next step together.